Worst Day

Generally when I have a bad day there is one thing that has always made me feel better and unfortunately for me I cannot have that one thing because her being gone is the reason I am having such a horrible day.   She loved me unconditionally no matter what.  She always knew when something was wrong with me and would just sit and snuggle with me as if she was saying its ok, I am here.  Although when Todd and I married with the hectic life style we led we probably didn't need to get a dog but I have now realized why I did need her.  I think for everyone adjusting to married life that first year is hard.  You cant cry to your parents every time something goes wrong or you have a fight.  You have to grow up and learn how to start doing things on your own.  Emma was my perfect solution.  Not only did she love me and would instantly know that something was wrong, I could tell her everything and she would love me just the same and not hold anything against the person I was mad at.  Considering I had to adjust in the beginning of our marriage to not only being married but having to work full time, go to school, but also to dealing with the ups and downs of being a coaches wife, she was the one thing that was a constant for me.  Every time I came home, every time I got up in the morning, everyday she was there.  She had these eyes that when you looked at her you saw how unbelievably loving this dog was.  How could God create something so loving so wonderful that I myself  would find myself getting mad at her.   Although she would occasionally pee in the house or bark when I would prefer her not, and even the few times she would run away from me and I would have to chase her, she was such an amazing dog.  I feel  horrible now for all of the times I would be angry at her and yelled at her.  How could I have yelled at such a sweet baby.  I think Emma helped shaped me into the adult I am today and it is terribly hard for me to let go of her.  I know it seems kind of silly to be this worked up over a dog but to me she was like my child and my first child at that.  I am sure my pain is nothing compared to those who have lost a child, a parent, a sibling, a loved one but my heart is breaking.  I cant stop thinking about her and how she couldn't tell me if this is what she really wanted.  I cant help but consider myself a life taker.  I choose death for her and who am I to make that decision.  She was so happy when we left the house.  She was excited to take a ride in the car.  She was wagging her tail and happy to stick her head out the window so it left me to question if I was doing the right thing.  I know she was in a tremendous amount of pain and I could see it in her eyes this morning that she was struggling with the pain and will to go on, but why did she have to seem so happy while I was taking her to do the unthinkable?  I cant get the image out of my head of her face while they were giving her the shot, but I couldn't let her go in without me there to comfort her.  Why did we have to go to a veterinarian  clinic that didn't seem to care and had no compassion for my dog.  We had been taking her for two months and I was telling them something is wrong with my dog and they just wouldn't listen to me.  I am so angry at this clinic.  Of all people shouldn't  they be the ones to understand and have compassion for animals?  Thankfully we found a clinic who understood what I was facing to help comfort me about putting her down.  As silly as this may sound to some, I am very much struggling with if there is an afterlife for animals.  If animals don't have souls this was it for me and her.  I will never see her again and that is really hard for me to accept.  I am not sure what to believe and I am not getting much peace about any of it.  Why did this have to happen.  She was so young and cancer in small spay dogs is very uncommon so why her?  I still needed her.  I miss her incredibly and hate coming home to this house without her. I know it will get easier in time but I am devastated at losing her.  I have a book that states "Dogs are not our whole lives, they just make our lives whole" and now I feel broken.